Currently wearing: heathered grey SoftPants™, this shirt, big diamond, wicked grin.
Currently reading: Unplanned Parenthood by Liz Carpenter. Just finished Another Place At The Table by Kathy Harrison.
Currently listening to: D shooting stuff in AvP.
Currently loving: my life. Seriously. Also VitaminWater™, cookies made from scratch by me and baked by my dearest, those kitties of mine, possibly Old Navy, this bit of fun., the dear friends and their futon, Tanqueray® gin.
Currently regretting: Little to nothing. Except that I don’t see Kay enough, and that my email correspondence with everyone (yes, you too) is shitty at the moment.
I’ve had a long, sad week, and I’ve felt more isolated than ever. Most of my free time lately has been spent moping and reading, and avoiding contact with just about anyone. But I sort of broke out of that last night. Not sort of – REALLY. There were drinks. There was pizza. There were wild questions and wilder answers and innuendos. I missed the last train, snuggled with Goodall in a cab to her new flat, and got home around 10am this morning.
And I never thought it would be such fun. We (the lovely friends and I) gathered at a local cute bar to give love and good-byes to my dearest sweet Kay, who is leaving the agency to become a full time librarian. Ordinarily, I’d be first in line for such an event – especially for Kay. But, for most of the week, I half-wanted to stay home. In fact, I told my therapist yesterday morning that I would probably go for a while, and take my leave early. I’ve been feeling so sad, so grieved over losing Rigor, that a party seemed like the last thing I wanted. But I was wrong. Funny when we get exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.
I remember a distinct moment when, through a giddy haze of Tanqueray® and laughter, I thought to myself: these people make me feel SO good about myself. Maybe the more accurate or healthy notion is that I feel so good and fulfilled when I’m around such loving, wonderful friends – but the idea is the same. I need these friendships and flirtations and all of this energy as much as I need air. I tend to forget that. I can’t remember when I’ve had so many friends around me – and such amazing, positive friends at that. They give as much as they take; they accept; they love unconditionally.
And you know, maybe it’s because I do these things for myself that I can find people who are capable of doing the same, and accept their affections. I believe I deserve them.
There is nothing more tragic to me than someone who believes they don’t deserve the love and joy the world has to offer them – and I believed that for a long, long time. I’m so fucking grateful to be awake now. Thank you lovelies, for helping me see.