I love Chicago. I love it like that uncle you skirt around at family reunions; the one who laughs way too loud and invariably gets jello salad stuck in his yellowing beard. It frightens me; It makes me laugh.
On my lunch hour today, I ran into this fellow, an unsettling pirate relaxing in a sparse flower bed.
I tried to ignore him, but to no avail. His jaunty pose and Yul Brenner-esque eyebrows had bewitched me, in a I-must-capture-this-horror kind of way, and, after fleeing the Sketchers store which boasts the ugliest shoes I’ve ever seen, I was standing in front of him again. I flipped open my phone to snap a pic and behind me a handful of people slowed their noontime rushing to watch. One woman asked, “What is that? Is that a PIRATE?” Her disdain could not have been more clear. Someone else answered that it has something to do with The Field. Now, I doubt the wisdom of calling Him an It, honestly, because who knows what He gets up to at night, but Disdainful Woman was immediately mollified. The Field has that kind of power.
Christian Sex Toy Guide: That was the subject line of an email I received at work today. Love it. I was a little disappointed to open the mail and find that apparently only discount Cialis and the awkwardly named “Soft Viagra” are Christian sex toys. Must have something to do with those megachurches.
But I do think Viagra must be important because later this morning I received an email with an equation in the subject: Hard Wank = Her Moans. And even though I sort of doubt the efficacy of a product with “soft” in the name, who am I to argue with the Christians?
Deja-vu All Over Again. I’ve been excavating the archives of old journals in an effort to revive my flagging (dormant?) writing skills and remember what it was like to be me a year or two or three ago. I found an unpublished bit from March, 2006 that made me chuckle:
Guys, I’m tired. Now there’s something new.
Perhaps I should establish our assumptions for any entry between March of 2006 and when I finish my degree program (next Spring, IhopeIhopeIhope):
1. I will be tired every day, consistently and constantly.
2. I will have walked too many dogs for too many days in a row with too little sleep.
3. I will have eaten something odd in large quantities until I could no longer even look at the packaging of said product (ie. Nabisco brand Nilla Wafers® throughout the end of March).
So, in assessing my life then vs now, what’s changed?
1. I am still tired. Nothing new there.
2. While I haven’t walked any dogs for any days for a long time (weep for me), I have ridden too many train for too many days on too little sleep.
3. Right now it’s Lunchables® (turkey) and Lays® potato chips, and I’m getting kind of woozy thinking about either of them.
I need some air. Maybe I’ll go talk to The Pirate.