I’m in one of those ballad moods. I’ve gone from Ella Fitzgerald to a couple of slow Dixie Chicks tunes to Chicago’s more dreary selections.
Dreary is such a good word.
But, I’m not deep down depressed. I’m tired. I’m quiet. I’m slow. Like a good ballad.
we’ve come too far to leave it all behind…
Good Al-anon meeting Monday. It got me thinking a lot about negativity, gossip, my general pessimism. When I look back on my growing up, I remember very little unconditional positive stuff coming at me. Especially after my maternal grandmother died (a trauma I’m still feeling). I think this overall negative mindset has carried on into my adult life. I wonder if I don’t believe, in some warped place, that gossip, bitchiness, and overall negativity are the normal and only ways to relate with and react to someone?
This is not to say that I am negative and mean to the people with whom I relate on a daily basis – quite the opposite, I assure you.
But there’s so much more going on beneath the surface.
I’m beginning to see the value of another AA slogan: trace it, face it, and erase it.
Now it’s Thursday morning (the above having been written Wednesday), and I’m in a belting mood. On the way to the train station, in the ten minutes I get each morning in my car, I belted Whitney Houston, and a funky shrieker (“I Don’t Wanna Be Alone”) from the School Daze soundtrack. Both of these numbers are part of a mix tape I made in eighth grade (!) that I’m lucky enough to still own.
So, I’m feeling belt-y. Probably in part because I’ve been seriously researching area vocal instruction, and just the hope of singing regularly – outside my car – has me flying high.
I also heard a fabulous profile of Sam Cooke on NPR this morning, which reminded me that a smooth voice and lyrics from the soul can live forever. I worry sometimes about my legacy. I want to create one.
The roller coaster of alcoholism continues its ups and downs with our family. Today may be a turning point; it may not. All we can do is support, wait, detatch, live our lives.
somehow I saw you as a weakness
I thought I had to be strong
oh but I was young, I was scared
I was wrong