day in the life

Walls Are Never Permanent

Online, offline – I’m pretty cranky everywhere these days. The family reunion left me feeling lost; my cat is sick and won’t let himself heal; a segment of my family is in crisis, and I’m scared.

That’s the bad stuff.

And why, why is the bad stuff so attractive?

I guess I wallow. I get lost in feeling sad, depressed, angry. Why do I refuse to see my choices? Why can’t I seem to remember that no matter the circumstance, I can choose how to react, how to cope, how to feel. I know this. I do. But, when someone suggests that my attitude is negative, that it is not healthy, I feel censored and judged. And defiant. Goddam it, I have a RIGHT to be angry/catty/pissy/unhappy! I’ve been verbally abused, sexually assaulted! Don’t I deserve some anger?!

Maybe, but don’t I deserve some peace?

As I explored with Natalie yesterday, I’m afraid of what I would be left with if I should let the ‘bad’ feelings go, and embrace hope, joy, forgiveness.

I’d be left with me.

A scary proposition some days, since I tend to forget who I am.

Who am I? What do I want? Is it okay not to know? To be 28 and sometimes feel 14…the age I was when my Dad left? To want to wear a Swatch and carry an Esprit bag, pretend it’s May 1989 and wish, oh I wish he’d never gone?

I think it’s probably okay. I think I need to accept that some hurts never go away.

4 Comments

  1. mavis

    Oh, my. What lovely words from those women – and how heartwarming to see online communities band together to help someone in need.
    It IS so easy to wallow, to allow ourselves a little sulk now and then. I was just thinking about high school today, and how easily the smiles came then, how innocent and ignorant we were of the world and all it had to offer, good and bad. And I missed it.
    But life is rich and full of wonder, right?
    I am glad you wrote today. I was thinking about you. now I’m off to explore your new things.
    Love you.

  2. strawberry jelly

    Wow. My god, sounds like a wonderfully, loving, supportive place.

    And I’m sorry to hear kitty isn’t doing very well.

    Did you say Swatch and Esprit bag? Oh how I love and miss the 80’s. What I wouldn’t give for just a week back in the day; when big hair was cool, when baggy clothes were in, when I still could shop off the rack and try on clothes without looking like a sumo in a fruit roll-up. Yes, I too remember the past (mostly good things), if only for a few moments to remember the relationship with my father that was.

    From one crank to another, hugs.

  3. Vickie

    I’m glad that you can write here & share your feelings with us. I hope it helps.

    Being angry, grumpy, scared, regretful – so normal, so human. You do have a right to feel like that. I think that for me the key is to feel all of the bad stuff, acknowledge it, understand it – & then focus on my goals, my plans for the future, the things I can do today to improve life.

    A wise person once said that we can choose to spend our lives complaining that roses have thorns, or we can choose to be grateful that our thorn bushes have roses.

    Vickie

  4. jen

    Do not feel censored or judged. No one should judge you for your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do. And what is wrong with feeling bad/angry/catty/pissy? Don’t we all get to feel that way? Isn’t it our right to have that response? why do we all have to be a big fucking ray of sunshine all the time?

    We don’t. We can feel how ever we feel. And to know that you can pick yourself out of it and see exactly what is causing the response is amazing, it gives you a chance to see inside and know a little bit more about yourself.
    Do you remember when the ass broke up with me? I tried so hard to upbeat and positive, and then someone came up to me and said that everyone was really worried about me. This person said that they were waiting for a “breakdown” or a “meltdown” or whatever they called it. It was expected of me to feel bad, and then to pick myself up. Feeling bad is okay, the key is to pick yourself up. It appears people always have expectations on how you should feel and act. Just be you.

    Sorry about the rant, it just makes me angry that someone would judge you on how you feel. Just be who you are, I love you as you.

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